Dragons Meadow

Life = Chaos.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:40:57 GMT

Sometimes, you just don't know what life is going to throw your way. My wife-to-be and I decided it would be in our best interests if we split ways and went on with our lives. Our romance has been a long one. We were kindergarten sweethearts and we remained boyfriend/girlfriend through all of elementary school into high school where things started getting serious between us. It's been 6 years since high school and we had been engaged for little over a year.

I was so in love with her. I had so many plans for us. We both dreamed together about what our lives were going to be like. It's strange how life throws some nasty kinks into events that seem to be going well.

She's always had some anger management issues, but as time passed, we worked on that together and she was able to get that problem under control...until this year. She has become wild to the point that I'm actually afraid of her. She started the whole process by making threats and spewing verbal abuse at me simply because I disagreed with her on who one of our professors was in high school. I let her know that I didn't approve of her behavior towards me and it just all seemed to go down-hill from that point forward. Since that time, I haven't been able to make any remarks, speak my own opinions, etc...in normal conversation with her unless she takes every word I say to heart and then all hell breaks loose.

She's pretty much done everything to me in her out-bursts except kill me at this point. I've been verbally abused to the point of tears, slapped, pushed, beaten, and recently held at knife-point which is what finally made me say 'enough'. I do not hit women, not even in self defense, but I'm not about to stand around any longer and let this continue. It's an unexplainable feeling of fear so strong that I can't describe it to have a sharp kitchen knife held to your throat and to look into the eyes of someone you've loved since you were a child and see nothing but crazed hatred there. I actually thought she was going to slit my throat open. She had the knife pressed hard enough against my throat to leave indention marks across it. And you want to know what set her off? I simply asked her if she had fed our cat. She went into this fit of how I don't need to ask if the cat was fed, and I don't need to be checking up on her etc..etc..and I kept telling her that it was fine, that I was sorry, and that I didn't mean anything by it. I was merely just seeing if she had. He was acting like he was hungry so I just asked to make sure she did (she hadn't though, she just didn't want me asking her if she had). She proceeded to go off the deep-end while I just stood there wondering why the heck she was going to such extremes. She's not the same woman I fell in love with and I can't figure out for the life of me what changed her. I don't know what caused her to suddenly come unraveled. She refuses to seek any kind of therapist or help and usually when I mention it, it only incites her to anger. Everything I say or do anymore, if she doesn't even remotely like it, she lets me know about it loud and clear. I've begged her, I've pleaded with her, I've done everything I know of to get her to get help, and she refuses.

I loved her, and I still love her. But I had to end it, for her safety and mine. I talked to her parents and explained to them the situation and what was going on and that I really loved their daughter with every breath I have in my body, but it's because I love her so much that I have to let her go. I absolutely adore her parents and they've treated me as if I was their own son. They were extremely saddened by the situation but they understood that it has to be done. I believe they are going to try to seek legal intervention to get her help. I'm not really sure how all of that works, but if anyone can get her help, it'll be them as I have no legal rights seeing as how I was just her fiance.

I had to leave my apartment because she trashed it in a fit of rage. She broke my cats back leg in two spots, threw my laptop off the balcony, and set half of our Christmas tree on fire. So now I'm living back with my parents for a bit while her parents deal with her. They've promised to keep in touch with me and let me know how she's doing. Perhaps, if they can get her some help that she needs, maybe one day my love will return to me. Until that time, I'm crushed and heartbroken.

Seasonal Changes and other blurbs.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:19:11 GMT

The seasonal changes have such an impact on my overall well-being. I suppose that comes from being more in tune with nature as most animals are. Spring and Summer bring an urgency, as if I have so much energy I can hardly contain myself. Fall is usually calm and I like to just sit and enjoy the vivid colors of the changing trees. Winter is always mixed for me. If there's snow outside, I'm super giddy. I'll stay out in the white fluff until I freeze my tail off. But if there's no snow, I'd just assume to curl up and sleep the day away. I'm curious as to how other species feel during these seasons.

Got my tail caught this morning in my car door. The wind caught my door and shut it, so needless to say, I had some choice words to yelp out. Some people seem to be in the delusion that phantom limbs aren't real - period. After dealing with my own phantom limbs for yeeeeears, I think I can come to the conclusion on my own that they are very real. "Phantom" really isn't a good word to use for them though. I believe that my soul remembers that my body should have these extra limbs, or something. I don't know how it works really. I never willed or even thought about "phantom" limbs when I became aware that I had them. I just knew something was there and that they felt sensations (pain, temperature, etc..). So no, they aren't just a figment of my imagination. They are very much real, it's just hard to even begin to try to explain it because to someone else, you're merely making the claim that you have imaginary body parts and willing yourself to pretend that they feel things which isn't the case by any stretch of the imagination. It's a shame that we are unable to convey to others what we know and feel through any other medium other than verbal or body language. It would certainly make things easier.

Have to Rant Before I Pop!

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:26:21 GMT

I've waited a day or so to even bother posting here so I could let everything sink in. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I guess a good starting point would be white vs black. Or, let's me a little bit more politically correct and say Caucasian vs African American.   I've heard and seen several people make mention about Obama's race. "The First Black President" they call him. Um..No? I used this example on someone else's lj: If you have a car painted 1/2 black and 1/2 white, what makes you think you can call the car black? Or white? You can't. If it's equally the two colors, then you cannot say that it belongs to either color. The proper term for Obama is "Biracial".

And I love how they claimed that this Presidential election would not be based on race, but clearly...It's all about race. Has everything to do with it and not a soul is going to tell me otherwise. I forget now what news station it was that polled several thousand African Americans to ask who they were voting for, and why. A measly 3% were going to vote for McCain and the remainder were in favor for Obama. When asked why they going to vote for Obama, out of the 97% remaining, a whopping 92% said that they supported certain aspects of Obama's plans for Office. It all sounds fine and dandy until you realize that the things that they supported were actually things that the McCain campain stood for, not Obama. A majority were things that Obama was strictly against. I wish I could remember what news station it was on because it actually struck me as being rather funny.

It makes me sad for America though. We have a new President that was voted in, not for what he actually stands for (whatever the hell that might be), but because he's a new shiny toy. It's popular to be anything but white. And that's all Barak Obama is: A novelty. He's the new fad of America just as being gay and bisexual has become quite popular with todays youth. Did you know you're really cool if you're gay?

And so, having said that, I should also say that I am not racist by any means. This human body of mine has Japanese and Cherokee Indian roots and I have two close friends that are African American that I grew up with. I can proudly say that they did not vote for Barak because they're not blinded by race like much of America is today.

So I end my rant by saying that I do not support Barak Obama, but I do, and will always, support America and the foundations and beliefs that it was founded upon from the beginning.   God Bless America...cause we really do need it.

Go wild!

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:30:37 GMT

The one day of the year that you can let loose and be goofy in the workplace. Got to love it. Everyone is all dressed up and just enjoying themselves. It's also one day out of the year that I can be my full dragon-self at work and it's perfectly acceptable. I've eaten so much candy already that I'm practically sugar-sick. I wonder just how much candy is consumed this day total?

Politics..Ick..

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:33:15 GMT

I wanted to keep all of this political garbage out of my lj, but I've had my eyes opened quite abruptly and just need to write about it to make it stop festering in my system.

I'm not afraid to admit that I was an Obama supporter up until about a week ago..Now I'm not by any means the type to put political stickers or signs or any of that nonsense on anything that I own (or don't own) because I just don't work that way. Kudos to those who are outspoken about their beliefs and views enough to tell everyone and their brothers dog about it. That's just not me. I'm a silent supporter/opposer until my fur gets ruffled enough to speak out.

I've always taken pride in being the type to do my "homework" about things such as politics or issues that have come up so that I have the facts as straight as I can possibly have them and not the skewed versions of the truth that our media pelts us with constantly every second of our lives. I never was one to just take it as it is or believe something just because someone said it was true, because more often than not, what might be true on the surface isn't actually the case when you dig in deep enough and wade through all the ensuing mounds of dung.

For this election, I merely -thought- I had done my homework but in reality, I had done it in the wrong manner. I was looking up information to support the skewed facts about Obama and McCain, which of course, are going to fit together perfectly as dictated by the media. I feel almost...stupid. Like I grabbed onto this idea of "Change" that Obama has put out there and stuck with it all the things in my mind that need to be changed in our society as a whole and made them what I believed Obama wanted to change too. I'm not really sure how it came to that point that I so blindly let myself get suckered into being, for the lack of better words, brainwashed by this "Change" slogan that my ability to even hunt for the real facts became lost.

I had a dream last week that I was sitting in a grassy meadow on a hill looking over this beautiful landscape, but in an instant, I was sitting among the ashes of a battle-scarred waste land and I thought to myself.. "What changed to cause this..?" When I woke up I had that question stuck in my head. What changed...what will change...what is Obama going to change? And I couldn't answer it because I don't know what radical changes Obama is going to make because he has never actually said what he is going to change. One might argue, well he's said that he's going to change health care, or he's going to change our energy policies, or he's going to change this...NO! --Reforms-- do not constitute --change--. To change something means to change from one thing to something entirely different. I can -change- my answer from YES to NO. I can change the color of my car from blue to red. Both of the candidates are making a lot of "reform" statements. However, these are not changes. Not by any means so one should never confuse the two.

So this leads to me ask again..What is Obama going to change? I've come to this conclusion: Hell if I know. I've been searching and hunting and asking some of my co-workers and friends who I know are Obama supporters and they all say because they support his idea of change, but not one of them..Not a single one...could tell me what Obama is going to change. The facts are too shady, too vague, and there's just no meat to anything.

McCain on the other paw, has plainly stated the changes he intends to make. The policy concerning energy was particularly one that I agreed on and it is that we need to stop relying on foreign oil and resources and either start getting it from our own or come up with a different alternative such as Switchgrass or corn or some other form of renewable resource that we have that would be cheap to grow, cheap to refine, and cheap for the consumer. Did you know that you can grow switchgrass practically anywhere? And that it can be harvested with regular ol' farming equipment? Nothing special needed. And you know what? It gives our farmers a boost, it creates jobs, and most importantly...It causes America to rely on itself which is what we've been needing to do for many, many years.
But the point is, it's a change. It's a BIG change. He's not saying, let's reform how we get oil from other countries, he's saying let's do away with it altogether and find a different method that's here..at home...that we can use.

I've been a democrat for years, not because that I agreed with all of their views, but because I believed in most of them. But I think I've been knocked over the fence with this election because I've been hit hard with realities that I didn't realize I was blindly following. The point of the matter is this...Both of them are going to make reforms and changes, we just don't know what changes Obama are going to make. And the fact that he won't say, gives me reason to doubt. And to make matters worse, he wants others to assume certain things as well. Did you know that Obama does NOT support Gay and Lesbian marriage? Just like McCain, he only supports their rights to have benefits. In one of the debates, the moderator practically had to force Obama to state his stance on Gay marriage. He tried to pussy-foot around it and the moderator wanted a straight answer, which the moderator finally got out of him. And his stance? The same as McCains which I've already stated. So anyone who's supporting Obama because he supports Gay marriage is dead wrong. I believe Perez Hilton just happens to be one of those individuals who is under this false assumption. And what's with all of this money that Obama is spending on ads? He agreed in the beginning on a spending cap with McCain and then backed out of it. Why? So he could go spend more than $110 million dollars on ads. You know what? I've seen more than enough of McCain and Obama's mugs on the TV without the extra ads. He didn't need to spend more money on a 30 minute segment. That was a little over the top in my opinion. I find it quite selfish, in fact, that he would have the audacity to spend that money when Americans all over the US are financially hurting. It doesn't seem right, now does it? I understand that McCain has also spent a lot of money on his campaign trail, but there is a significant difference in amounts.

And I'm sorry, but if you're an African American and voting for Obama simply because of his race, you have greater issues that need to be addressed. Regardless of race or religion, you must vote on what is fact...Not what is popular or different. I commend those who can look beyond what is skin deep or religious. Those people are the true thinkers.

We need to bring America back to it's grass-roots foundation. We need our jobs to stay here. We need our fuel to come from here, our food, our commodities... We need them all HERE in this United States of America that was founded on freedoms that we've given away or shrug off because we've become lazy and inconsiderate. The US was once a proud nation. And now it's nothing but a mockery. Who's fault is it? It wasn't Bush. It wasn't Clinton. It was us. We vote these individuals into office. WE put them there. And right now, the United States needs to realize that having a Democratic House is not working. Bush isn't running the show, THEY are. He's nothing more than a figure-head. The democrats are the ones calling the shots and it isn't working. The only way things around here are going to get better is if the citizens take charge and fix the mess that we created.

Perhaps Obama might make a good president, and then again, maybe not. But as for this dragon, I voted early. And I voted for McCain.

As for comments, if you have anything rude to say, just please don't post. If you have something informative to say about either party, please back it up with proof (truth) and not just hear-say. Otherwise, this was merely a post to get out of my system an important change that I've made in thinking and I firmly stand by my decision. I always do.

In other news, I'm starving. What's for supper?

What's.....happening?

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:27:38 GMT

Growing up, I always felt (as most often do at that age) that time was slow and that I would never reach my adult years. It always seemed so far away. Now that I am an adult, I started noticing about 5 years ago that time suddenly shifted into high gear. I've always heard that once you got older, time would fly by in the blink of an eye. However true that may be, it doesn't appear to just be the adults who are feeling this sudden quickened pace of time. Even the young now are noticing it. It's left me pondering lately what exactly is happening.

In the past few years, I've had this sense of urgency. As if there's something that I need to be doing right now, and the past 6 months, that feeling has been the strongest that it's ever been. My gut instinct has never led me wrong, whether it has been about silly simple things, or big important things; it just simply has never been wrong.

Something...quite large...is about to happen. I cannot tell if it is good or bad, but I do know for certain that something is coming, and very soon.

Hmmm..

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:11:22 GMT

I came across these eggs and thought I'd try it out. Still trying to figure out what the heck I do with it, but I guess that's what instructions are for eh?
------
Edit:
I found someone who would take the eggs from me since I, at the time, don't really have enough time to get them hatched. Last I looked, they were cracking and near hatching. :)

Been awhile..

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:12:12 GMT

Would appear that it's been awhile since I last posted. There's a reason for that, mostly because the "kin" community has kind-of turned me off, as I figured it would, which is why I was a lurker for so many years instead of actually being part of the kin communities. There's no one reason really. More or less a culmination of many things that just rub my fur the wrong way.

Moving on from that, I thought I'd take just a second to rant on another topic: Ignorance. While I was away from lj, I also did not check my e-mail that is associated with this account. As I was checking through them, I see a response to my original "I'm New Here" type post that I made in a few of the communities I'm part of. It would seem that the moderator of the community deleted the offender, but I could still read the post in my e-mail. His response to me saying that I'm a dragon was more or less along the lines of "Do you breathe fire? You're delusional." I go on to read his lj only to find some poor, pathetic soul who just hates everything in this world and all who inhabit it. Ignorance gets you no where. And all hate does is spur trouble. Just because you don't understand something does not mean you have to hate it. Take it as an opportunity to learn about it first, and if after that, you don't agree with it, then that's your perogative. However, do not be slanderous of what someone else believes. You do nothing but show ignorance and a sheer lack of any intellect (no matter how smart you may really be) when you start spewing your hate BS.

Don't get me wrong. When you try to hunt for information on kin communities, you're faced with a lot of furry/kin garbage that would make anyone with any decency blush. When you weed out the nasty porn, there really is some good information out there that could be of use to someone who may not know much (or anything at all) about our communities. But of course, not all kin fit into the traditional sense of the things that are out there. Out of everything I've read, as a dragon, I don't place myself entirely into the things I've come across either. I'm my own personal entity just as any human being could say. Each one of us, no matter who or what we are, are different. But our differences do not make us "freaks".

Now that I've got all of that out of my system, I've forgotten the real reason I got on to post. Hm...Maybe I'll remember later.

Misery...

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:10:05 GMT

Now that the temps have been between 65-80F, I feel miserable any time I'm inside now as my -need- to be outdoors has grown almost overwhelming. If I could set my desk and computer up outside and not get fired over it for acting weird, I'd be out there in a heartbeat. Everything is leafed out and green, the dogwoods are in full bloom among other things. There's a few Lilac bushes right outside one of my windows. I've kept my window open since it bloomed out. Those bushes smell so good, it's almost intoxicating.

In other news, someone was so kind as to rip my left side mirror off of my mustang. -_-'''''''''''''''''''''''' I know who did it as they have the dent in their door frame PLUS they actually have MY side mirror sitting in the passenger seat of their vehicle. No note left, no nothing. But that's ok...They'll be getting a visit from me shortly. *growls*

Grander Purpose..

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:29:26 GMT

Do you ever get the feeling that you have a grander purpose in life but have no idea what it is? I can't help but think that there's something else I'm supposed to be doing. I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be gathering dragons together for some reason for some big event that's going to take place in the world, as if I'm supposed to be leading something. I don't really understand it myself, but there must be some sort of reason behind it. I just wish I knew what it was. Maybe I'll figure it out sooner or alter.

Short post, I know...But I'm a little bit bored today as work is kind of slow.

Full Bloom..

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:19:15 GMT

Everything is in full bloom here now and the grass is growing like mad. It makes me wish I was outside curled up in the grass and basking in the sunlight. At least I have windows in my office...If I didn't, I believe I would go mad.

I've had some very pleasant dreams lately of walking along the side of a spring fed stream and lazily resting beside it as I'm lulled by the sound of the gentle rushing water. Later on, I find myself finishing off a deer looking animal and snacking on some sort of thick green stemmed plant that resembles bamboo poles but is very sweet to the taste. Like...the outside looks like bamboo, and it's quite hard and crunchy. The inside of the plant is very meaty, but crunchy/juicy and very sweet. You could actually crush the outside of the plant, pull it away, and be left with the meaty sweet rod of the plant. It's hard to explain but I crave it. It's in a lot of the dreams that I've had through my life, and I've never really figured out what it is. But it makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

Later, I find myself having a nice run through some tall grass and leaping into the sky, rising high enough to catch air currents to float on. These dreams are wonderful and very uplifting to the soul even though it saddens me when I wake up and realize that I'm in this human body for the time being. They're still nice dreams nonetheless.

Odd Occurances..

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:38:11 GMT

It's been a little bit since I last posted as work and life in general have been a bit hectic. I've had a strange occurance happen between the last time I posted and now that I can't quite figure out. As I was sitting at home one night, I kept seeing a small shadow, about the size of a medium dog, out of the corner of my eyes. I shrugged it off and didn't think anything else about it. But since then, it's been happening more frequently and I've managed to see this shadowed figure almost head on twice in a weeks time which looks to be a small scaled black dragon. I mostly only catch it in my side vision though, darting from here to there. I was even laying in the floor last night and could feel that something was sniffing at the back of my neck.

Imaginary friend? No...Too old, that's baby stuff, and I've no reason to need an imaginary friend. I also don't drink and don't take medication, so I've not been halucinating. I thought it was my eye sight until I saw it head on a couple of times. I don't know what to think about it really. It doesn't seem aggressive, just very curious. In my attempts to do a little research on the matter, the only things I've been presented with have come from Wiccan sites/journals that deal with dragon spiritual guides and stuff like that. I am not Wiccan by any means at all, so the thoughts of "invoking a dragon spirit guide" are not on my list of things to do seeing as how I, myself, am a dragon. I don't really care for the thought of another dragon sniffing through my things.

So yeah, odd stuff, if not somewhat annoying.

Much better..

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:04:41 GMT

I'm feeling much better today after having been sick for 2 days with a stomach bug. Was able to eat some chicken and rice soup last night and keep it down. Had a few other little snacks last night as well though I tried not to over-do it. So yeah, having some food in my belly made me feel a lot better. Keeping it there was even better.

it was a beautiful day outside yesterday and today is supposed to be even better. I watched the sunrise this morning in awe at all the vivid orange and yellow hues that adorned a few whispy clouds. Getting to see the sunrise every morning is a blessing in disguise, but when it's like that, you can't help but be in awe over the natural beauty of it. I think today's society is so fast paced and focused that they forget little things like sunrises that can have a big impact on your well-being.

You can never be in too much of a hurry to live the day to it's fullest because today is a once in a life time event. Make the most of it and stop to smell the flowers.

Urgh..Not fun.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:03:41 GMT

It's not fun to have a stomach bug and the bathroom being on the very top floor of a building and having your office on the bottom floor. Yes, I have plenty of sick time I could use, but I've always been this way. If I'm not deathly ill, I'm going to be at work (or in class as the case used to be). They always say that the quickest way to get rid of something is to give it to someone else, course, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wasn't able to eat real well last night, and what I was eating, was coming back out (gross I know). So yeah, I'm really hungry this morning but I'm afraid to eat anything because I don't want to have to make a marathon of running up and down the stairs today. *sigh*

So, in order to keep myself from passing out, I've been chewing gum all morning and now I think all the sugar from the gum is starting to make me sick. ARGH!!

Finally..

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:55:21 GMT

I was starting to think this work day was never going to end. I think I'll go grab a book and head down to the park for awhile to unwind since it's a beautiful day out there and Bradford Pear tree's are all bloomed out...even though they smell like rotting flesh.

Four Day Holiday

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:44:52 GMT

Just returned from a 4 day holiday break for Easter. Just what the dragon ordered: A chance to sleep the day away and not have to worry about work or anything for that matter. It was nice to say the least, but unfortunately, it went by too quickly.

I've eaten so much chocolate that I think If I were cut, I'd probably bleed chocolate. Not sure why Easter chocolates are so addictive and why so much is eaten for the Holiday. I guess it just gives everyone an excuse to eat it.

In other news, I believe we're having "Dogwood Winter" here. Dogwood Winter, as it's called, happens in early spring right after we've had several days of warmer weather, everthing is blooming, and then we have a series of very cold days. Right after these cold days pass, Dogwood trees begin to bloom. I really look forward to seeing the Dogwoods bloom every year. Right outside my office window, there's an enormous pink-colored Dogwood tree. I don't like pink, but pink in nature is just a ncie color. With the Dogwoods come Lilac, Tulips, and all the flowering fruit trees.

After Dogwood Winter, there's Blackberry Winter where roughly the same thing happens: Warm, cold, warm again then blackberries start blooming along with Raspberries.

I used to think that everyone was just yanking my tail about that, but I've not known a single spring go by where it's not been true.

Needs and things felt..

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:16:55 GMT

As I've been looking through some communities on here, I've seen several otherkin who have begun experiencing "phantom wings" and it makes me think back to when I was a child going through all of this.  I discovered what I was at the age of 7 as mention in an earlier post. It wasn't until I was around 10 that I started experiencing "phantom wings" and a "phantom tail" which...at the time, I had no name for since I wasn't big on the internet at that point and besides that, I had no idea what was going on anyways. I had horrible pains in my back and lower posterior, but after awhile it went away and I began to "feel" these phantom limbs move and be able to move them myself.

I actually thought I was nuts for a long time, but the feeling was there that they existed, so..if I was crazy, I might as well enjoy the feeling of them right? I found that if doors were shut too quickly I'd get my tail squashed which ended in some nasty pain. The same went for my wings, which I quickly learned to curl or fold around me as I walked around if I was near anything or in tight spaces. If I was crazy, it certainly hurt when they got hit or something, so might as well amuse myself and do what felt right.

Many years have passed since that happened and I've grown accustomed to feeling these phantom limbs and can operate them mindlessly now. I still question myself from time to time if I'm actually just -thinking- they're there and it's all a trick of my imagination from wanting to be in the right body..

...but then I accidently smash the end of my tail or bang the tip of a wing on a doorframe and quickly resolve my mind.

Moving on from that, I love to sit outside and just enjoy nature. It's become harder to do that since I moved away from my parents who live in the country ( I now live in the city). I usually end up going to the park or something to unwind when I can and let the nice breeze blow again me while I just gaze off into the sky. I love nature..I long for it when I'm unable to be outside.

I often find myself wishing a thousand times over that I had not moved out of my parents house so I could go back to the days where I would lay under -my- giant oak tree against the cool thick grass and stare up through the limbs and leaves into the various specks of blue sky that I could see through the foliage. I miss that so much that it makes my heart ache. There's so many things I miss about being in the country. I left home to go to work and make sure I could face the world on my own.

I've seemingly established myself in the workforce and now that I've done so, I have time to settle down and think. I visit my parents almost weekly, but once a week or now and then isn't enough to satisfy my need to be surrounded by the beauty of the countryside instead of the ugliness of the city. I need nature almost as much as I need food to eat. When I don't have it, it hurts.

In my Dreams...

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:24:15 GMT

I know that everyone has dreams and the like. No big deal usually unless your dreams are recurring or just something is out of the ordinary, otherwise, not many give them a second thought through the day.

My dreams, with the exception of a pawful, are either recurring, continuations, or just pleasant dreams that all follow the same patterns and I am always either looking at myself or through my own eyes. They're usually always very vivid so that I can remember them down to some of the tiniest of details within the dreams. The pleasant dreams usually involve exploring some unknown areas of land or flying high above and just lazily looking down below surveying the land. These dreams are some of my favorites especially when it comes to the flying. It feels so real and just...so right...to have the wind beneath my wings. It always saddens me to wake up.

The continuation dreams seem to happen in parts, almost like episodes in a tv show. And they always seem to deal with searching for something or someone. The shortest continuation I've had was maybe 10 parts (10 dreams). The longest I've had has spanned 43 parts (43 dreams).

The recurring dreams are usually the product of the continuations being smashed together into one dream and having them again and again and again and you get the picture. However, there is one dream that I have more often than these, and it's a war dream. A very bloody and intense war dream that usually makes me feel extremely weird (for lack of a better way of explaining it) during the course of the next 2-3 days after I have it.

This dream always feels really long and never ending, and of course, I left out a lot of the fighting parts. I can't figure out this dream no matter how much I think on it. It feels so real though...like it did happen at some point in time.

Maybe some day I'll figure it out...In the meantime, I'll just go crazy trying to come up with a conclusion.

What would the world think.?

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:07:42 GMT

I realize that the world has already been exposed to dragons and otherkin, but I'm a bit curious...Generally, a group of individuals that are sharing the same "traits" are lumped together in a group much like Gays, Lesbians, etc...and unfortunately each group is stereotyped. I believe what they don't understand is the general division between all the "otherkin" races. They are all so diverse, even among the dragons, that I would honestly find it very difficult to be able to lump them ALL into a singular group.

If dragon and otherkin really came out in the open through radio, tv, and other media about who and what we are, I wonder how the world would view us? Would they see us as some new odd race of "people" and be prejudiced against us? Or would they just mark us as a group like I mentioned earler in the first paragraph?

I just wonder from time to time what it would be like if there were no "groupings" and no "prejudice." Maybe some day I'll find out.

Purpose..what is it?

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:37:48 GMT

For years I've tried to figure out and understand what my purpose is in being here. What purpose I've got and what good it does me being a dragon trapped in a human body. Is there something that my Creator wants -me- to learn? Or is there something far greater than that I'm supposed to accomplish or some sort of task I was sent here to do? These questions plague my mind daily. I know what I -like- to do. I know what I'm -good- at doing. But how can I use the talents that I'm given to make a difference and why couldn't some one else, someone completely human, have done or do the same thing?

There must be a reason that my Creator put me here in this body at this point in time, even if it was at the expense of a portion of my sanity in trying to discover how to deal with being a dragon sent here in a human body. I know that individuals spend their entire lives wondering what they're supposed to be doing, and I doubt many ever truly realize what their purpose is in life...But I believe that some are granted that wisdom after much soul searching so they can make a difference, no matter how big or small and no matter how many or few lives it has an impact on. I just wish I could find mine..or perhaps I already know what mine is and just don't realize it.

I just wonder sometimes if maybe all dragonkin/otherkin have a grander purpose here that we are supposed to accomplish together, and we are all just so self absorbed in figuring out our identities that we're not paying attention to what we really should be doing.

Who knows. I for one, haven't the slightest idea.

How Is the World Viewed by Dragons?

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:06:31 GMT

I view the world as something that once belonged to nature, but as time has rolled on through the centuries, advancements in technology have made it damn near impossible to protect nature any longer. Nature takes a back burner when it comes to mankind..Course, I can't blame them really. Had dragons or any creature been as numerous as humans are, they would have damaged nature as well.

Everything is owned by mankind. Animals are either pets, servants, food, or pests and that almost holds true to nature as a whole. If it's in the way, chop it down, cut it up, burn it, poison it...at what point does it stop? At what point will mankind become so over-crowded that there are no natural resources left? At what point will there be no more wood to chop or unpoisoned ground to grow things on?

I am by no means one of those tree-huggers who go around making demonstrations about nature, but I still feel firmly that what my God intended for Earth was not for mankind to destroy it, but for mankind to tend to it so that he and all others might live to enjoy it. So that they be equal servants to one another: You till the land, you plant the crops, and I'll produce for you and feed you, and clothe your families and the list goes on and on... I suppose that when give and take turns to take-take-take, there can no longer be a balance and it all falls apart.

That's just my own personal view of course..To each his own.

How do they do it..?

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:26:13 GMT

As part of the working class, I work alongside humans on a daily basis due to my job, even though I have an office all to myself. I still find myself feeling like I'm just..here. It's extremely hard to describe in full detail what it feels like to work alongside humans knowing that even though they see you as one of their own, you know for a fact that you do not belong among them because you are -not- one of their kind. It's odd, and at times, almost uncomfortable.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against humans since I have the unfortunate luck of being stuck in the body of one. But when you know you don't belong in that body, it's very troubling and aggravating sometimes.

But back to the main point of this, I just get by day by day doing what I usually do of just trying to fit in. I'm curious what other's of my kind do though..do they just plug along mindlessly day in and day out just keeping up with the human society as well?

I understand that there are a lot of dragons who are leaders, many are followers, but a large majority the way I understand it are leaders. Do they try to lead in this life as well? Or do they take the back burner for fear that leading might draw too much attention to themselves? I try to keep a healthy balance of both even though I'd like to be the leader -all- the time. But since in human society, being the leader too often can get you some nasty flack, I'm content to just lead when I feel I need to, or when the urge is at it's strongest.

I just wonder how other's handle it?

Roleplaying..?

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:46:52 GMT

I have no problem with roleplaying, fandom, and all that kind of stuff dealing with dragons. If you want to play pretend, then go for it. The problem lies with the Rp'ing mixing with the real. I've been to far too many dragon sites, forums, and the like where acclaimed dragons are doing nothing more than "playing dragon." I take being a dragon very seriously, and there is a time and a place for play and pretend. But when play is being mixed into what is real, then the seriousness loses it's edge and its validity.

Don't get me wrong, I want to emphasize that I don't mind roleplaying when it's in it's place. Dragons have long since been revered through every culture of the world, worshipped, feared, hated, and the like...So it's only reasonable that there would be, even to this day, those who find dragons something to grab onto as a source of power and strength. And so, you end up with a handful who want to be -like- dragons, and then suddenly have self proclamed themselves to BE dragons when they really just want to pretend to be a dragon for awhile until their craze wears off and something else takes it place.

Not really sure where I was going with this entry, but it was on my mind, so...here it is.

Family Secrets, Isolation, and acceptance..

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:30:28 GMT

It pains me to keep secrets from family, especially when you've been raised in a good one that expresses love, acceptance, and understanding. In other words, I was "raised right" as the term would be in this part of the US. Raised in church, taught right from wrong, and all that good wholesome stuff..The problem is, my family is so old fashioned that there is unfortunately a thin line in the "acceptance" clause of that. While I would like to think that my parents and family would try to accept me if I told them about my dragon self, the other part of me says they'd think I'd lost my ever loving mind and probably have me talked to by a psychologist or something. I'm sure they'd think I was a satanist of some sort and worshipped the devil because dragons are "bad" in their understanding

I seriously doubt I'll ever tell my family, just because I don't want them to think poorly of me. I crave their approval and the approval of others around me and to put that in jeopardy, it would be a crushing blow.

This leads to having to just..deal.. with feeling isolated. To my knowledge, there are no other dragons in my area, of course, I've not done the research to seek them out. I don't really care to to be honest. I figure if they're in the area, and we're ment to meet, then we will at some point. It would be nice to talk to another dragon face to face, but because I've not been around other dragons in this life, I'm not sure how I would react to it.

And so, not having anyone really to talk to about anything dragon-ish at all, it's kind of a lonely feeling. I mean, sure, I can chat it up about human things, but human things are not what make me -me-. The human stuff is all just surface stuff that doesn't mean anything more to me than a spit in the bucket.

I guess we all do what we must.

Religion as it pertains to past lives..

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:50:10 GMT

No place better to start than at the top of your list of thoughts, right? Unfortunately, it's one of the harder subjects to talk about and one that I dare not even bother brining up to anyone else that I personally know.

I was born and raised a Christian in the Bible Belt. Anyone who knows what the "Bible Belt" is knows what I mean when I say that people take the Bible as serious as a heartattack. I was raised to believe that there was no such thing as a "past life" as most know the meaning to be today, and that anyone who thought as much was not a Christian. While I have always chosen to believe that there was no such thing as a past life, I've always felt nagged that yes, I did have a past life. It's hard to come to terms with even after all these years. I've tried desperately to come up with a solution to it, that there had to be some other explanation of why I felt that way, but I can come up with no other arguments for my head to debate.

And so, I'm constantly torn between my faith and what I feel. And both of those I take very seriously, but they are constantly at war with eachother which is not a fun thing to sit and try to think about.

Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't a battle between whether I think I'm a Christian or not..no no no... This is a battle between an aspect of it. I guess it may be a battle that never ends until I have an epiphany (or die, which may come first).

Now, if someone does happen by some slim chance to actually comment on this, please be civilized. No religion bashing please. Stating your thoughts, views, whatever is perfectly fine, but the minute you start telling me that my choice of faith is "wrong" is the minute the line is crossed.